The Phantom of the Opera Parody
by The FiboNACHi Sequence
Summary: What do you get when Christine is a Klutz, Raoul keeps attacking random strangers with his sword and The Phantom is a musical genius with a very bad SFX? Why, THE PHANTOM OF THE OPERA PARODY, of course! Chapter two up!
1. The lovely intro

The Phantom of the Opera Parody:

First scene: a sparkler is lit, showing the title of the movie. The camera tries to zoom in on the picture but rebounds off the wall.

CAMERA OPERATOR: Dammit!

There is a tearing noise as the Camera pushes through the wall into the photo. Slowly, the photo comes alive. It is a picture of the Weather beaten, wind worn opera house, far removed from its previous days. A man is painting 'Property of Bill Gates' on the lower corner of the opera house. A coach pulls up. We see the rabbit on a pink background shield of the Vicomte De Changy. The door opens and a man pushes out a wheelchair bearing the same livery. The man and a nurse roughly pull an old man out of the coach and tie him into the wheelchair. The man starts to dribble down the front of his fine jacket. This is our first glimpse of RAOUL.

CYNICS IN THE AUDIENCE: who the hell is that?

FANGIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: that's Raoul!

CYNICS IN THE AUDIENCE: my god! He looks like something pulled out of a cat's bottom.

FANGIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: That is Raoul as an old man. Now shut up and watch the bloody movie!

RAOUL: wheeze. My knees are bent; my eyes are old and withered…

MAN PUSHING THE CHAIR: There, there, Gramps. We shall go inside and you can buy something from this decrepit old piece of crap.

RAOUL: Are there dancing girls still around? I remember in the old days when me and the boys grabbed some Viagra and...

MAN: Shut up. I have heard that story too many times already!

The man and the nurse push the wheel chair into the opera house. We switch to an inside pan of an auction taking place. The AUCTIONEER has just banged his squeaky hammer, selling a nude painting of CARLOTTA. It went for half a franc.

AUCTIONEER: Sold! Your number sir? Thank you. Lot 665, Ladies and gentlemen, a cardboard musical box in the shape of a rock. Attached, the figure of a siren, wearing absolutely nothing, playing a harp made of rope. This item, discovered in the very deep depths of the theatre, still in… well, pretty much still in working order.

MAN HOLDING UP THE MUSICAL BOX: Showing here.

There is a cranking and the siren begins to play a garbled tune. Most of the people hold their ears and wince but RAOUL and another lady look up in interest. The other lady is the ex-ballet teacher MADAME GIRY. She catches RAOUL'S eye and licks her lips in a sensual way. She blows him a kiss. RAOUL, however, has his attention firmly focused on the music. MADAME GIRY pouts and kicks a box, then curses as she breaks her toe. The AUCTIONEER shuts off the music and unplugs his ears.

AUCTIONEER: ok, thank you for that, um, interesting music, sir. Now may I start at 20 francs?

RAOUL lifts up a mangled finger. MADAME GIRY looks at him in interest and raises a finger as well. The bidding gets higher and higher until MADAME GIRY remembers that she has only 10 francs and stops the bidding by flashing RAOUL her middle finger.

AUCTIONEER: Sold to the Vicomte De Changy, thank you sir, please come again.

RAOUL holds the music box and runs a finger down the sirens bosoms.

RAOUL (to himself): A collector's piece, indeed. Every detail, exactly as she said. I hope this won't play, until the rest of us are dead.

The AUCTIONEER shakes his head.

AUCTIONEER: Righto then. Back to the show. Lot 666, a chandelier in pieces.

The camera pans to a shot of a huge mass covered in an old pink blanket.

AUCTIONEER: some of you might recall the strange affair of the phantom of the opera, a mystery never fully explained. We are told, fangirls and… oh sorry, ladies and gentlemen, that this is the very chandelier featured in the famous disaster. Our workshops have given it a fix-a-upper and fitted it for the new electric light.

The AUCTIONEER grins in a self-knowing way, as he has already done this scene about twenty times and knows that the crowd are about to be blown away. And that's just because he farted. They haven't even seen the big bang yet. Many of the actors in this scene cover their noses as the AUCTIONEER'S fart drifts over the crowd.

AUCTIONEER: perhaps we may frighten away the ghost of so many years ago with a little illumination.

ACTOR IN THE WINGS: What are you saying! If we light a match, the ghost of the baked bean would explode!

AUCTIONEER: Excuse me! Now gentlemen…

The overture kicks in and the chandelier is risen. As it rises higher and higher, the light it bathes on the opera house turns it back in time. The seats turn from dusty to pink and shiny. The statues remove themselves of the cobwebs and congratulate themselves on finally making an appearance in a movie. The stage candles erupt in light and the stage turns back to black.

The camera whizzes backstage as we get a look at all the opera staff preparing for tonight's production. Two figures become obvious as they fight over the mirror. One has long, dark curly hair and the complexion of a piece of paper. She is CHRISTINE DAAE. The other is slight and blonde, with the brains of a piece of paper. She is MEG GIRY. The two girls rush down the steps and rub their ballet shoes in some tray of something.

The camera pans to a shot of a young, longhaired man, steering a coach standing upright and looking very dashing. The moment is spoiled when the horses are spooked and he ends up headfirst in a barrel of water.

CYNICS IN THE AUDIENCE: who is that loser?

FANGIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: shut up! That's Raoul. Ooooooh he's soooooooo dashing!

CYNICS: snort

Raoul pulls his head out of the barrel and goes over to a coach where town men step out. One is short and grey-haired; the other is tall and greasy-haired. They are the operas new owners, FIRMIN and ANDRE.

The overture abruptly stops and we start to hear a cat being strangled. The camera shows a lady with her noise stuck up in the air. Her mouth is open and we realise that she isn't strangling a cat but singing.

PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T SEEN THE PLAY: who is that bitch? She looks like she stepped in something bad.

PEOPLE WHO HAVE SEEN THE PLAY: ladies, gentlemen, meet La Carlotta.

LA CARLOTTA finishes her part and drops the fake head she is holding. As the rest of the actors come out, she runs over to her large pet rat and gives it a kiss. The actors come in singing 'Hannibal comes'. A large man dressed up as Hannibal (a strait jacket and steel mask) follows them. He has a napkin tucked into the front of his costume and he is eating a plate of spaghetti without hands. He is the leading tenor UBALDO PIANGI.

THE OLD MANAGER: and here we have the rehearsal for 'Hannibal'. These are most of our actors and some we have borrowed from other movies.

ANDRE and FIRMIN glance over their shoulders at the waiting ballet dancers. They raise their eyebrows at each other and slap themselves a high five. A younger MADAME GIRY walks over to them and scowls.

MADAME GIRY: please, monsieur, if you cannot keep your eyes to yourself I will have to tear them out.

ANDRE and FIRMIN shuffle uncomfortable and lower their eyes to the ground. THE OLD MANAGER snorts in laughter.

THE OLD MANAGER: this is Madame Giry, our ballet mistress and protector of the girl's innocence.

MEG dances past, spinning very fast. CHRISTINE tries to follow her and ends up on her butt. ANDRE gets a good look up her skirt before MADAME GIRY slaps him.

MADAME GIRY: I have already warned you, monsieur. Do it again and I will have to hurt you. That is Meg Giry my daughter and Christine Daae, who I have taken under my wing and is as good as my daughter.

CARLOTTA: This is despicable! Perving on a lowly chorus girl when you should be looking at me! I quit!

THE OLD MANAGER makes a quick dashing exit, smacking into RAOUL on his way out. RAOUL growls.

RAOUL: Smack into me, will you? Right then! (Draws his sword) Avast!

THE OLD MANAGER backs away and exits the theatre, happy to be out of the movie once and for all.

CYNICS IN THE AUDIENCE: What the bloody hell does Raoul think he is doing?

FANGIRLS IN THE AUDIENCE: Well, he is supposed to be swashbuckling and a gentleman.

CYNICS: um… if you haven't cared to notice, he almost took that mans head off. Doesn't seem very gentle to me.

FANGIRLS: shrug mieh. He's still cute

CHRISTINE notices RAOUL.

CHRISTINE (to MEG, who is lowering herself into the splits and back up again without her hands): It's Raoul. Oh my childhood sweetheart! Oh, how my heart flutters… Meg! Please! Pay attention!

MEG looks guilty and coughs.

MEG: sorry, sorry. (She fixes her hair.) Oh, Christine, he's sooo handsome!

RAOUL walks past the girls.

CHRISTINE: he wouldn't recognise me now.

MEG nods.

MEG: yes, well, if he did, the movie would lose its love triangle because he would kill us all and escape with you.

RAOUL goes and stands next to ANDRE and FIRMIN.

RAOUL (his sword still drawn): what seems to be the problem?

ANDRE (his eyes on RAOULS sword): um… La Carlotta doesn't want to sing, parton.

LA CARLOTTA looks RAOUL up and down.

CARLOTTA: Ah, this must be the new parton. Ha, I shall sing!

PIANGI (finishing his mouthful): Yes, we all shall… if you feed me more.

A piece of stage equipment falls near CARLOTTA.

CARLOTTA: Ah! Forget it, I am sooo outta here!

ANDRE leaps up and stands in front of the door.

ANDRE: as a personal favour, could you please sing one little ditty, maybe… oh I don't know… Think of me?

CARLOTTA looks at the manager's face.

CARLOTTA (smiling): well, ok… But only if I get a new dressing room and shoes.

FIRMIN (despairing at the potential cost): oh, of course, Prima Donna.

CARLOTTA walks back to centre stage and gets someone to spray some liquid down her throat. She coughs and grins.

CARLOTTA: Maestro.

THE MUSIC DIRECTOR shudders and puts in earplugs. He taps his baton and raises it. CARLOTTA starts to sing a broken version of 'think of me'. She gets really into it, with an attempted stage dive and break dancing. Another piece of stage equipment hits her on the head. There is a cheer from above. A stagehand, BUQUET, starts to clap.

BUQUET: About bloody time!

THE PEOPLE IN THE CINEMA (unblocking their ears): We agree!

ANDRE: what are you on about? She is out cold and we have lost our star!

MADAME GIRY reappears holding a letter.

MADAME GIRY: This is from the opera ghost. He bids you welcome and asks you to pay him a lot of money.

FIRMIN rolls his eyes.

FIRMIN (tearing the note up): Like, how about no?

MADAME GIRY rolls her eyes and stalks over to MEG and CHRISTINE muttering about stupid perverted managers.

ANDRE: we shall have to refund a full house. And there I was, planning to spend all my money down at the Moulin Rouge with Nicole and Ewan.

MADAME GIRY: Christine Daae could sing it, monsieur.

FIRMIN looks CHRISTINE up and down and purrs.

ANDRE (looking at MEG): fine, give her a go.

CHRISTINE steps forwards. She opens her mouth and starts to sing beautifully.

WOMEN IN THE CINEMA: whoa, what a voice!

MEN IN THE CINEMA: drool what a body! How old is she?

WOMEN IN THE CINEMA: 16

MEN IN THE CINEMA (sucking the drool off their chins): oh, god! And I was having images. I am so perverted!

CHRISTINE gets to have a very cool special effects flash forward into that night's gala. She is wearing a white dress and sparkly stuff in her hair. RAOUL is up in box 4, his eyes popping out of his head. He starts to sharpen his sword.

RAOUL: whoa! Christine has turned into such a BABE! PHWOAR! I am so in!

CHRISTINE continues to sing, her voice reverberating beautifully. There is a brief cut to a shadowy figure under the orchestra pit listening to CHRISTINE sing.

Finally, CHRISTINE stops singing with a huge über note. The crowd erupts and CHRISTINE smiles. She curtsies and almost falls off her high heels. ANDRE and FRIMAN start having a money fight crying STUPENDOUS! MARVELLOUS!

Cut to backstage, with a huge party. ANDRE is being dragged into a cupboard by an aspiring dancer. He grins as he disappears. FIRMIN has one girl on each arm and two cigars in his mouth. MEG is looking for CHRISTINE. She finds her in the chapel.

MEG: Christine, Christine.

STRANGE DISEMBODIED VOICE: Christine.

CHRISTINE looks for the STRANGE DISEMBODIED VOICE but only sees MEG.

MEG: like, whoa, girlfriend. That was, like, sooo cool!

CHRISTINE: Oh, Meg, I think I need to tell you that I am being coached by my dead father and sometimes I hear him in my bed.

MEG: that's ok. You are from the country.

CHRISTINE (mortified): I mean when I am asleep.

MEG: well, if that's what turns you on…

CHRISTINE: argh! I mean I hear his voice in my head.

MEG: that can happen when you drink too much absinthe.

CHRISITNE gives up and starts to sing 'angel of music'. MEG joins in, privately happy because she made the movie's star look uncomfortable. They start to walk and Meg prances around, like the dancer she is. Christine tries to follow.

CHRISTINE (from the floor): I think I will stick with singing.

CHRISTINE and MEG get back to CHRISTINE'S dressing room. MEG leaves her alone.

Now we see RAOUL and ANDRE and FIRMIN outside CHRISTINE'S dressing room. ANDRE is covered in kisses and hickeys and his tie is half undone. FIRMIN is coughing up smoke because he swallowed his cigars. Both carry a huge bouquet.

RAOUL: right. You two. Hand over the flowers and bugger off. I need to try my luck with this lass.

ANDRE catches sight of RAOUL'S sword poking into his belly and hand's over his flowers. RAOUL smiles and enters CHRISTINE'S dressing room.

CYNICS IN THE CINEMA: um… right.

RAOUL FANS: come on, that's pretty swashbuckling.

The next scene is from the inside of the room. RAOUL comes in and lays the flowers one the bed.

RAOUL: hello, little Lotte.

CHRISTINE turns around.

CHRISTINE: oh, hello, my knight in shining armour.

RAOUL: let us go to dinner.

CHRISITNE: I cannot. My teacher is strict. He is the angel of music.

RAOUL (chuckling): well, I won't keep you any longer than I need you. Come on baby, ride with me. I'll be outside seeing to the horses. Two minutes.

CHRISTINE: Raoul, don't be stupid.

The door shuts. We see a scene of all the lights at the front of the stage being blow out by a MOVIE TECHNITIAN who is running along so it looks cool. Almost every light in the opera house is out, apart from a dim red one in the wings that marks the video camera.

STRANGE DISEMBODIED VOICE: How dare he! The angel of death is displeased.

CHRISTINE: um... hang on a tick... I thought you were the angel of music.

STRANGE DISEMBODIED VOICE: music? Oh… music… yeah right, sure… yes… music

(Clears throat)

Insolent boy, this slave of fashion, basking in your glory! Ignorant fool, this brave young suitor! Sharing in my triumph!

CHRISTINE: Angel I hear you…

(Authors note: I really cannot be bothered writing the entire thing out… so lets cut to the chase… Blah, blah, blah… yadda, yadda, yadda, angel of music… blah, blah, flattering child…. ok… here we go.)

The mirror slowly dissolves. Revealing a tall, dark figure. It is wearing opera dress. THE PHANTOM beckons to CHRISTINE, his voice strangely distorted.

PHANTOM: I am your angel of music, come to me, angel of music.

CHRISTINE closes in on the mirror and stops dead.

CHRISTINE: ok, sorry if I'm breaking character but why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?

THE PHANTOM lowers the mask to reveal his half masked self. He quirks a slight smile.

PHANTOM FANGIRLS: OH…MY…GOD! Drool

RAOUL FANGIRLS: URGH!… He's hideous!

There is a brief moment where PHANTOM FANGIRLS are strangling RAOUL FANGIRLS.

PHANTOM: The sound technicians are on strike, so we needed to improvise with the vocal distortion. Anyway… shall we?

THE PHANTOM holds out a hand and CHRISTINE takes it. She smiles at him.

PHANTOM FANGIRLS: bitch.

The song, 'phantom of the opera' kicks in and CHRISTINE and THE PHANTOM start singing their parts. The song goes smoothly, apart from the horse shitting on THE PHANTOM'S foot and CHRISTINE almost falling into the water. Finally, they arrive at the PHANTOM'S LAIR. THE PHANTOM disembarks from the boat and swishes his cloak off his shoulder. Unfortunately, it catches the candelabra and lights on fire, forcing THE PHANTOM to tread on it.

RAOUL FANGIRLS: hahahaha!

PHANTOM FANGIRLS: Oh, can we have the ashes? PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE?

PHANTOM grins again that CHRISTINE, forcing the PHANTOM FANGIRLS to be chained to their seats.

THE PHANTOM: I have brought you, to the seat of sweet music's throne…

CHRISTINE: really? I don't see a toilet anywhere.

PHANTOM: sigh Wrong throne… anyway… to this kingdom where everything must be honoured to music, music.

THE PHANTOM spins around and sings to the roof of the cavern.

PHANTOM: You have come here for one purpose and one alone, since the moment I first heard you sing I have needed you with me to serve me, to sing for me, for my music, my music.

THE PHANTOM stops and stares at the camera for a while, letting the PHANTOM FANGIRLS take many a screenshot of him. He starts towards the boat.

PHANTOM FAN GIRLS: Throw her in! Throw her in! Take me! Take me!

THE PHANTOM starts to sing 'music of the night, whilst CHRISTINE becomes completely entranced with him and the PHANTOM FANGIRLS mutter to themselves.

PHANTOM FANGIRLS: bitch… stupid lucky bitch….

THE PHANTOM continues to sing to CHRISTINE. He wraps his arm around her, causing the PHANTOM FANGIRLS to go into a frenzy.

RAOUL FANGIRLS: are you quite done yet?

PHANTOM FANGIRLS: shut up, you impotent bitches!

RAOUL FANGIRLS: oh my god, you actually can pronounce anything longer than "Gerard Butler".

THE PHANTOM shows CHRISTINE the wedding doll.

CHRISTINE: oh my god, do really look like that? Hang on, why do you have me dressed up like a bride.

(The penny drops)

OH MY GOD! YOU ARE SUCH A FREAK!

THE PHANTOM rolls his eyes and hits her on the back of the head with a candleholder. She slumps in his arms. He carries her over to the bed and accidentally drops her on the stone. THE PHANTOM curses and holsters her on the bed. He lies next to her.

PHANTOM: you alone can make my song take flight. Help me make the music of the night.

THE PHANTOM strokes her face and slowly backs away, holding the note.

MUSICANS IN THE AUDIENCE: he can barely sing! Why the hell did Joel Schumacher cast someone who can't sing in the role of the phantom?

(To the PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS)

Are you quite all right?

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS (from the floor): oh god, just having mental images of me in the same position as that lucky bitch.

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: what, unconscious on a bed in the phantom's lair?

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: swoon into a dead faint

MUSICANS IN THE AUDIENCE: ok, now I see the point… all the squealing fangirls are good for the profits.

The next scene is of MEG trying to find CHRISTINE, although she isn't trying too hard. After all, this is her longest scene. She enters CHRISTINE'S DRESSING ROOM

MEG: where has that stupid bitch gotten too?

MEN IN THE AUDIENCE: salivate

MEG: oh well, no trace. Now I'm just going to fix my hair up in the mirror…. Hello, what's this? Some kind of secret passage used by some perverted genius?

MEG enters the secret passage.

MEG: oh this is sooo cool! I hope something really dangerous happens to me, like I get kidnapped and tied up….

MEN IN THE AUDIENCE: yeah, we hope too!

WOMEN IN THE AUDIENCE hit the MEN IN THE AUDIENCE over the ears.

MEG is by now hoping to god that she will be kidnapper and ravished, just to get a longer role in the movie. A hand reaches out to grab her.

MEG (very excited): Oh no! Have you come to ravish me?

MADAME GIRY: no!

REST OF CAST: No!

MADAME GIRY: stop being silly, you and I are just supporting characters…. Now let's get back. I want to slap Buquet around the ears.

MEG (sighing): ok mum.

The next part is in the girl's dressing room. BUQUET is dancing around in a cloak and carrying a rope, hoping to get lucky.

BUQUET: Like yellow parchment is his skin…

DIM DANCER (twirling her blonde hair): Ooooooh… can I write on it?

BUQUET: NO!

BUQUET motions to his nose.

BUQUET: a big black hole serves as the nose that never grew….

DIM DANCER: oh, oh I know… like Michael Jackson? am I right?

BUQUET (sighing): no…no…well, yes….

BUQUET shows off the hangman's knot in the noose he is carrying.

BUQUET: you must always be on your guard, or he will catch you with his magical lasso.

BUQUET grabs a dancer, who giggles as he makes growling noises. Things are getting pretty heated and two other dancers are about to get a hose to separate the couple when MADAME GIRY comes in.

MADAME GIRY: those who speak of what they know find to late that prudent silence is wise…

MADAME GIRY pushes the dancer aside and stands up close to BUQUET who grins like the sleaze he is and leans in to kiss her. His lips are inches from MADAME GIRY'S when she slaps him. He falls over, clutching his cheek.

MADAME GIRY: Joseph Buquet, hold your tongue.

MDAME GIRY grabs the noose out of his hands and leans over him, noose in hand. She deftly slips the loose noose over his neck.

MADAME GIRY: keep your hand at the level of your eyes. (Adds an afterthought) not your crotch.

She pulls on the noose and BUQUET slips a hand in between the rope and his neck, to avoid being throttled.

BUQUET: whoa, miss… you really are kinky!

MADAME GIRY: shut up, you sleaze bag or I'll cut your balls off!

Masochists IN THE CROWD: Whoa, she's extreme! I love her!

SADISTS IN THE CROWD: hmm… talk about inspiration.

The next scene is in THE PHANTOM'S LAIR. The camera focuses on the musical box. The siren is clean and working and the music is queer and light. CHRISTINE wakes up and turns the musical box off. She gets to her feet.

CHRISTINE: I remember there was mist…

CHRISTINE slips over on a rock and lands flat on her back. She sits up and huffs. THE PHANTOM sniggers.

CHRISTINE: Oi, you aren't in the scene yet! Now as I was saying…. There was mist over a vast, glassy lake… there were candles all around…

CHRISTINE trips over a candleholder and has to stop, drop and roll. THE PHANTOM bursts into laughter. CHRISTINE shoots him a death look.

CHRISTINE (from the floor, getting up): and on the lake there was a boat.

CHRISTINE trips into the boat. She growls and pushes herself out of the boat.

CHRISTINE (thoroughly peeved): and on the boat, there was a man.

We see THE PHANTOM playing his piano. He has the neck of his shirt open and his chest bared.

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: oh my, I can see his chest, mmmm… give me some of that sugar. I have just died and gone to heaven!

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: gag Patrick Wilson is sooo much better, especially with his top off.

REST OF THE AUDIENCE: will you both just shut up? We are trying to follow the story here!

CHRISTINE walks up to THE PHANTOM. She caresses his face.

CHRISTINE: who was that voice in the shadows? Whose is that face in the mask?

CHRISTINE curls her fingers around THE PHANTOM'S mask and gently peels it away. THE PHANTOM realises what has happened and spins around.

PHANTOM: Damn you! You little prying Pandora! You little demon! Is this what you wanted to see?

CYNICS IN THE AUDIENCE: whoa, talk about your all time hissy fits!

PHANTOM FANGIRLS: yeah go on! Dump her! Take me! I'll keep the mask on at ALLLLL times! I promise…!

THE REST OF THE AUDIENCE: WILL… YOU… SHUT… UP!

THE PHANTOM pulls a rag off a mirror and stares at his own distorted reflection for a short instance. He motions to the MAKE UP ARTIST, who comes on and adds a little more blush.

THE PHANTOM: Thank you… as I was saying… Curse you! You little lying Delilah! You little viper! Now you cannot ever be free!

THE PHANTOM crashes through some candleholders and lowers the hand that was covering his face.

THE PHANTOM: Curse you…

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: Aww… poor baby… come here… we'll take really good care of you…

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS hit the PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS over the head. They slump, unconscious. The rest of the audience cheers then settles down and watches the next part of the movie.

THE PHANTOM (turning around): stranger than you dreamt it, can you ever bear to look? Or even think of me? This loathsome gargoyle who burns in hell but secretly yearns for heaven, secretly, secretly.

CHRISTINE: well, you obviously do not have any imagination whatsoever. I reckon all you need is a little plastic surgery….

THE PHANTOM: shut up... anyway… but fear can turn to love, you'll learn to see, to find the man, behind the monster. This repulsive carcass who seems a beast but secretly dreams of beauty, secretly, secretly… Oh Christine.

CHRISTINE takes pity on THE PHANTOM and hand's him back his mask. He puts it back on and turns around. The PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS amazingly spring back to life.

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: sigh he is gorgeous…. Mmmm…

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: not you again! ARGH! PLEASE LET THE NEXT SCENE BE ABOUT RAOUL!

PAHNTOM'S FANGIRLS: yes, so we can bag you all out!

THE PHANTOM swallows his tears and looks on CHRISTINE.

PHANTOM: Come, we must return… those two fools who run my theatre will be missing you.

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: oh what a pity it's over… now lets get back to some dishy Raoul action.


	2. Phangirls War

The next scene is of a coach pulling up in front of the opera house. It runs over one of the many pigeons on its way through. FIRMIN steps out and adjusts his coat, grinning. He is grinning mainly because of the dancer hidden under the seat of his carriage. He makes his way up the steps to the opera house and slips over on a dollop of pigeon shit. Grumbling, he picks himself up and stumbles to the door.

FIRMIN: Mystery, after gala night. It says mystery of sopranos flight. Mystified, all the tabloid funny gossipy magazines say…

FIRMIN flips through the latest copy of E! News.

FIRMIN: we are mystified we suspect foul play…. Oh, I didn't know that Jude Law cheated on his wife. What a bastard! Anyway… (Clears throat) bad news on soprano scene, first Carlotta now Christine. Still, at least the seats get sold. Gossips worth its weight in gold…

FIRMIN grins and flicks some bank notes in the air, spinning around like a pansy, basking in it like a shower.

FIRMIN: what a way to run a business, it was better with my bordello. Half your cast disappears and they aren't even Sienfeld and Roy! Opera, it so bloody shocking it's worse then when Andre breaks your favourite sex toy.

ANDRE rushes on, looking slightly embarrassed by FIRMIN'S revealing of his bad habits.

ANDRE: Damnable, will they all walk out? This is damnable.

FIRMIN: Andre, please don't shout.

ANDRE: Ha! You are trying to tell me to shut up? You weren't so reluctant at keeping you mouth shut about that bloody blow up do…

FIRMIN: Andre… may we please stay on subject? Thank you. It's publicity and the take is vast. Free publicity!

ANDRE: but we have no cast! And I'm almost out of curling hair product!

FIRMIN strokes his immaculately quaffed do before continuing.

FIRMIN: Andre, have you seen the cue? Ah, I see you have received an abusive email too…

ANDRE pulls out a palm pilot and holds it at arms length.

ANDRE: Dear Andre what a splendid gala! Christine was in a word sublime. Happiness was such when that soppy bitch was cut. On that note, please stop flirting; it's disturbing when the dancers giggle so much!

FIRMIN snorts and pulls out his palm pilot.

FIRMIN: Dear Firmin, just a brief reminder. My salary has not been paid. Send it in a reply to theghost.i. P.T.O, no one like a tight pass, so pay up or I'll shove you up your own a...

ANDRE (interrupting): who would have the gall to send this.

TOGETHER: someone with a purple brain.

FIRMIN: these are both signed OG

ANDRE: what the hell is he?

FIRMIN: well, either 'Opera Ghost' or 'open girl'

ANDRE (interrupting): it's nothing short of shocking!

FIRMIN: he's treating us limp.

ANDRE: in addition he wants money.

FIRMIN: what is he, a pimp?

TOGETHER: to expect a large sum. It's obvious he is a complete nutcase!

RAOUL dashes in, looking slightly ruffled, his sword drawn and his hair silky. RAOUL'S FANGIRLS proceed to melt onto the floor.

PHANTOM FANGIRLS (sniggering): what a fop…

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS shoot PHANTOM FANGIRLS a very effective death look, so effective it does nothing at all

THE AUTHOR: bloody foppish Raoul fangirls….

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS proceed to beat up the author before settling down to watch RAOUL say something dashing and important.

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: I know it's going to be something important to the movie… oh! He knows where she is!

RAOUL: where is she!

PHANTOM FANGIRLS: (snort) uh huh! He's, like sooo intelligent!

FIRMIN: you mean Carlotta?

RAOUL: I mean miss Daae… duh! Where is she?

ANDRE: well how should we know?

RAOUL: I want an answer… or I'll chuck a hissy fit. I take it; it was you who sent me this red inked, skull-covered note?

ANDRE: of course not, you silly little boy!

RAOUL looks thoroughly confused, a quite normal expression for him.

RAOUL (twirling hair): you didn't send it?

FIRMIN (rolling his eyes): of course not, otherwise we would be saying "Oh, sorry, yes. It was we." (Whispering) dumbass.

RAOUL: Please, don't argue… isn't this the abusive letter you wrote?

FIRMIN: and what is it that we're meant to have wrote….

ANDRE sniggers

FIRMIN (shooting death looks at ANDRE): written.

RAOUL, walking like a pansy, hands ANDRE the letter. RAOUL spins around with a hair flick and looks to FIRMIN, who is leaning over ANDRE'S shoulder. ANDRE yelps as FIRMIN cheekily pinches his butt.

FIRMIN (reading): Do not come anywhere near miss Daae again, for the angel of music has her under his sleek, sexy wing. If you make any attempt to see her, the angel of music will proceed to shave your hair off…

RAOUL (shuddering): what kind of a sick bastard would want to do that?

ANDRE (still flushed after FIRMIN'S butt pinch): I think he already told you…

Suddenly, CARLOTTA, PIANGI and THE PAID FOLLOWERS, dash in. CARLOTTA is wearing a live parrot on her head and one each as gloves. PIANGI is finishing off a pizza, happily guzzling the last crust.

CARLOTTA: where is he?

ANDRE: Whom may you be talking about?

CARLOTTA: the patron… duh! Where is that poncy, foppish little pipsqueak?

There is a grinding in the background. We realise it is RAOUL'S FANGIRLS grinding their teeth. PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS are waving signs saying 'success!', 'Erik for president' and 'I love cheese, riverdancing and Gerard Butler'.

CARLOTTA: I take it that you sent me this message?

CARLOTTA holds up a brand new Nokia mobile phone. ANDRE leans in to read it and proceeds to tumble down the stairs.

ANDRE: here we go then… and did you send it?

RAOUL: umm…. Just give me a sec.

He pulls out another brand new Nokia mobile phone (yes, I love produce placement) and quickly searches through the sent messages.

RAOUL (reading): hey wassup Christine… no, not that one… well, I wonder if you want to polish my sword… nope, not that either…. Have you got any hair product… nah, not that one… sorry, Carlotta, not from me, unless some sick bastard stole my phone.

CARLOTTA: you lie! You lie! You lie around with that Christine wench!"

ANDRE (breaking up a fight): how about you take a look at who it's from, Prima Donna?

CARLOTTA: it was sent by OG on the number 042 666 666 666, so obviously it's from him!

CARLOTTA points an enraged finger at RAOUL

CARLOTTA: so ner!

CARLOTTA'S FANBOY stands up in the cinema, his 'I love Carlotta' t-shirt obvious in the darkness. CARLOTTA'S FANBOY clasps his hands hopefully.

CARLOTTA'S FANBOY: oh, she's so smart and sexy… oh I, like, really wanna meet her… maybe I can drink champagne out of her shoe!

REST OF THE AUDIENCE gives CARLOTTA'S FANBOY strange looks.

CARLOTTA'S FANBOY: What?

Finally CARLOTTA'S FANBOY realises a lot of people are looking for the number of the local mental ward. CARLOTTA'S FANBOY blushes and sits down again.

ANDRE: you stupid bitch! OG… OG! OG is Opera Ghost! If it were from him it would be F.O.P!

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: hey!

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: (snigger)

CARLOTTA: oh… well… that doesn't matter! I'm going to throw a hissy fit anyway!

CARLOTTA runs to her room and starts cackling evilly, smashing windows and mirrors and chairs over her poodle's head.

ANDRE looks at FIRMIN, who winces.

ANDRE: The song?

FIRMIN: What song?

ANDRE: you know, the song we sing to stop her from trashing our opera? And ruining the movie?

FIRMIN stares blankly. ANDRE rolls his eyes and bursts into 'PRIMA DONNA'. The crowd in the cinema starts to mutter, things like 'where's Raoul?", "Where's the Phantom?" and, for those who have read the book but not seen the musical "Where's Nadir?"

NADIR pop's his head in the scene.

NADIR: Here I am!

RAOUL roughly shoves NADIR back into the Bollywood screening in the cinema next door and breaks out a very big, blue-eyed, emotional, young boy with a crush look.

RAOUL; Christine spoke of an angel…

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: we don't care!

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: (wince) those… big blue… eyes…. So… just want to… hug… must fight… emotional….

THE PHANTOM leaps into the scene, waves a noose, laughs madly, talks to his Christine finger puppet and then leaps out.

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: ah, even if his behaviour was slightly erratic, it's still nice to know that He's looking out for us…

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS cannot think of anything to say to this, as they are too busy crowded at the front of the cinema, pawing pathetically at the screen.

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: I want… I want…

ANDRE, FIRMIN and CARLOTTA roughly push RAOUL out of the scene, never missing a note of 'PRIMA DONNA'.

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS and PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS in unison pick up their pitchforks and torches.

BOTH FANGIRL GROUPS: we don't care how pivotal this is to the film, or storyline… we want our EYE CANDY!

ANDRE, FIRMIN and CARLOTTA all noticed the sudden hostility and fast forward themselves through to the end of 'PRIMA DONNA'. RAOUL'S FANGIRLS and THE PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS begin to relax…

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: Ah… time for some more delicious phantom action.

RAOUL pops up on screen, wearing a pink tuxedo.

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: damn it!

RAOUL'S FANGIRLS: (snigger)

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS start sharpening their pitchforks and tying their Punjab lasso shoelaces.

PHANTOM'S FANGIRLS: (muttering) We'll show you…


End file.
